In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of ‘-ize.’ ‘

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.)

8.You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

(I just had to repost this as it was just too amusing to let pass!)

You can read it and my contributor profile by CLICKING HERE.

And Fox News once thought that Egypt was actually where Iraq should be.

With the score 2-1 to CNN, Fox News was not to be outdone on the #graphicsfail front. They recently came out with this little gem, a monumental Fox News cockup that has levelled the score 2-all.

This graphic is supposed to show the nuclear power plants in Japan – except that it doesn’t. Look very carefully and you’ll see one called “Shibuyaeggman”:

Now, I’ve been to Japan and have actually lived there (a total of about three years between the 1980′s and 90′s). I’ve travelled to Tokyo more times that I care to remember, and I’ve been to the trendy Shibuya district in the city’s south western quarter. In fact, here’s a shot of my hubby Andy standing at the famous “Shibuya Scramble Crossing” outside the mainline station:

I never actually saw a nuclear power plant in Shibuya, or anywhere near Tokyo for that matter. So what could Fox actually be referring to?

As it turns out, Shibuyaeggman is actually a nightclub.

Not a nuclear power plant.

The website for the club is HERE.

How on earth they made this cock-up is simply beyond me. I suspect it was a joke that slipped through, but with Fox you can never be sure.

But seriously, guys, you don’t need to understand Japanese to be a LITTLE suspect about the name. ShibuyaEGGMAN? Come on. Seriously?

I await the usual flaming from the rabid right-wing US nutters who for some reason seem to read this blog telling me that I must have made this up, it’s all a liberal conspiracy, and Fox News can do no wrong.

You can read the story as reported on Business Insider HERE. Make up your own mind.

If you have one, that is.

As I mentioned in my original blog post, this was encouraged by Amy Lame, posting on her Twitter feed on 25 February:

“writing #lesbian as my religion in next month’s #ukcensus bcse no section for sexual orientation…how else r we meant 2 count the queers?”

Since then, Ben Summerskill of Stonewall picked up on it too and commented on it in his March 2011 “ebulletin” for Stonewall.

Imagine my surprise today then when I went to try to find the original tweet on Amy’s feed, only to find she had deleted it!

Did I ruffle some feathers? Did she read my blog post and realise what a silly idea it really was? Or was she just embarrassed by being associated with such an ill-conceived proposal in the first place? I can’t answer for her of course – but in case you missed it, CLICK HERE for the original tweet as published on her feed.  Isn’t web caching wonderful?

I’ve also published a screen shot of it (below) in case the cached link stops working too.

UPDATE: 16:00 on  6/3/11 – I now find that Amy has BLOCKED me from following her on Twitter.  Come on, Amy – can you not deal with a bit of dissent?  Don’t like criticism? Why can you not engage in a reasoned debate? Blocking people doesn’t shut them up, nor does it make the issue go away…

]]> http://thedailyzeitgeist.com/2011/03/06/amy-lame-backtracks-on-putting-lesbian-as-religion-on-the-census-tweet-deleted/feed/ 4 zeitgeistlondon Amy Lame tweet http://thedailyzeitgeist.com/2011/03/04/im-not-a-lesbian-or-a-jedi-im-an-atheist/ http://thedailyzeitgeist.com/2011/03/04/im-not-a-lesbian-or-a-jedi-im-an-atheist/#comments Fri, 04 Mar 2011 21:12:05 +0000 zeitgeistlondon http://thedailyzeitgeist.com/?p=1221 ]]> Census time is almost upon us again.  It does seem that every ten years, someone pops up with what they think is a wonderfully subversive idea to put something in the box that asks “religion”. In the past we’ve had “Jedi”, and this time around there is a move (encouraged by the likes of Amy Lame and Ben Summerskill of Stonewall) to encourage gay and lesbian Brits to put “lesbian” for their religion. And of course there is the obligatory Facebook page for it as well (you can see it HERE) which Stonewall supports and promotes.

Quite frankly, people like Summerskill should know better – but of course this is the very same man who refused to support marriage equality for gay and lesbian people then inexplicably changed his mind and said the government was not moving fast enough when in fact moves towards full equality are already underway.

The Facebook page states:

“‘All local councils in England and Wales rely on census population statistics to define the needs of their community and help make sure they get enough government funding to serve it. How much they get is directly related to how many and what kind of people the census shows live in their area.”

Stonewall argues that “there isn’t a specific question to identify the needs of LGBT people in Britain” and therefore, we should all put “lesbian” as our religion to make ourselves be counted.

This reasoning is flawed on many levels so lets start with the most ridiculous first. Stonewall have not explained, in any way, how counting the number of gay and lesbian citizens will lead to ways to “identify the needs of LGBT people”.  It can’t.  Its a census. It merely counts people.  That’s all it does.  It cannot  – and was never designed to -”identify needs” of any group to that degree.

Of course, the thinking behind this is rather lazy because it assumes that LGBT people are a homogeneous group with the same or relatively similar needs.  What utter rubbish.  It is for this reason that I have always despised the shorthand term “LGBT” or any of its derivations that now include, apparently, a “Q” and sometimes an “I”. It dumbs the argument down to the level that Stonewall is encouraging.  The “GLTBQI” community is so diverse I question whether or not it can even be called a “community” – there are rich and poor; black and white; marginalised and advantaged, professional, blue collar and unemployed, abled and disabled and everything in between – in short, we are just like the rest of society.

Isn’t this the thrust of what Stonewall have been arguing all these years? Haven’t they been saying that being gay is of no real consequence to they way we live our lives, and the contribution we make to society? Odd, then, that they are now effectively saying that we need to be separately counted so that the government can “meet out needs”.  What these “needs” may be – over and above public services that we all use – or how on earth the government could meet them by counting us in a census is a moot point and one that goes unanswered by this lazy and self indulgent idea.

But the second reason this idea is ridiculous – and dangerous – is the way the statistics are counted.  The British Humanist Association in their excellent campaign “If you are not religious – for god’s sake say so!” points out, any answer to the question about religion then COUNTS you as a religious person. Putting “lesbian” will do just that, too.  Any entry other than “no religion” or “chooses not to answer” will count towards the number of people professing a religion.  Or, to put it in the way the figures will be used by religious lobbyists – it reduces the percentage of people in the UK who profess no religion. That’s dangerous and misrepresents the reality of modern Britain. It is of no consequence to government policy of “GLTBIQ” issues, and it serves no one but the religious lobby.

Ben Sumerskill, Stonewall’s Chief Exec, fully supports this nonsense.  In a bulletin published recently, he states:

“We hear via the lovely Amy Lamé on Twitter that lots of people are planning to give their religion as ‘lesbian’ in this month’s Census, protesting at the absence of a question on sexual orientation. The Census is designed to ‘help allocate public spending fairly’ and gay people contribute more than £40 billion a year to the cost public services. Our deliberate exclusion by the civil servants responsible is gratuitously offensive.”

Offensive it may be, Ben.  But quite frankly, I do not see how giving the religious lobby in this country one more statistic to use against us is in any way helpful.  Ben, do you remember when the Pope visited the UK and how we all protested about that?  Do you remember feeling outraged that millions of pounds of taxpayers money was used to pay for the visit of that “Nazi” as many called him? I do. Well, that very same religious lobby will take the figures on the next census and will say “Only X% of people in the UK profess no religion” in order to justify massive transfers of taxpayers money to religious schools and organisations, and for funding of religious “leaders” visits like the Pope.

And everyone who has been foolish enough to put “lesbian” as their religion will be partly responsible because you won’t have been included in that “no religion” figure. You’ll be grist to the Pope’s mill.  Inflating a homophobic Imam’s advantage.

Is that really what you want?

You say it’s gratuitously offensive, Ben and Amy?  Well, I think that’s exactly what your irresponsible idea is. I suggest you publicly withdraw it. Now. Before too many misguided people decide to do as you suggest.

Did Assange used to work in a certain well-known department store, where his sexual proclivities were also under question? I think we should be told!

So: which one can say “I’m free!” ?

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE!

So when the current government appointed Dr Hans Christian-Raabe (pictured – Source: The Telegraph) to the ACMD, eyebrows were raised once again – but this time, not because of his advice, but because of his appalling and homophobic views on the link between homosexuality and paedophilia.

Hans-Christian Raabe

“It was typical of the Tories”, the trolls of the left said.  “The ConDems are showing their true colours!” others shouted.

Well, today, it has been announced that he has been sacked.  Good. It’s a victory for liberal thought and proper policy making in the UK – a welcome change from the practices of the past government.

Whatever your views of the coalition, this move is one that has to be welcomed.

I just don’t expect any credit from those who criticised his initial appointment. Politics is like that.

Not content with putting Queensland where Tasmania ought to be (click HERE for that post), CNN just seems to get even more confused – or lazy – about foreign geography.

This time, no one can accuse me (or anyone else) of “doctoring” any map using Photoshop to paint US news networks as downright ignorant and just plain stupid. This one is exactly as published – on CNN!

In an article HERE, CNN says:

“Yasi is expected hit overnight Wednesday, according to The Australian, and will come ashore between Innisfail and Proserpine, directly hitting Queensland’s capital, Townsville.”

Come again?  Last time I looked, the capital of Queensland was Brisbane!

Dumb US news network score so far:  Fox 1 – CNN 2

Just two days later, it has had over 170,000 views, my Twitter inbox has gone ballistic and I’ve been inundated with crazy, right-wing rhetoric from those in the US defending Fox and calling me a “liberal” (well,duh!) and suggesting that I had faked it -of course, Fox News can do no wrong in their eyes! But I’m afraid to say it’s genuine.

As for the suggestion of “liberal bias” – I would not hesitate to ridicule the BBC were they to make such an elementary mistake, too. In fact, the BBC should know a LOT better than Fox, so in a way the crime would be worse should they do it.

Many actually misread my post and thought I had said “most Americans can’t find their own country on a map” and insisted they could find it. Well, I actually said “a lot of Americans” – not “most” – and I stand by that characterisation. (Please, if you’re American and CAN find the US, good for you. But I don’t want an email about it. Just accept you’re cleverer than many in your country and feel happy!)

It seems that I have caused a bit of an international incident!

To the intelligent, thinking Americans: I unreservedly apologise. But I do feel sorry for you – after all, study after study does actually show that your fellow countrymen actually are NOT aware of the rest of the world, and your country’s place in it.

A study by National Geographic of young Americans found that half – that’s right – could not even find New York on a map. Other notable data reveals:

• 74% think English is spoken by the largest number of people in the world (it’s Mandarin)
• Only 37% of young Americans can find Iraq on a map—though U.S. troops have been there since 2003.
• 6 in 10 young Americans don’t speak a foreign language fluently.
• 20% of young Americans think Sudan is in Asia. (It’s the largest country in Africa.)
• 48% of young Americans believe the majority population in India is Muslim. (It’s Hindu—by a landslide.)

But it’s not just the youngsters who appear to be so unaware – the US government’s OWN statistics show that just 37% of the population as a whole currently hold a passport. (Add up the last ten years stats for “passports issued” HERE.). That means that just under two-thirds – a whopping majority – cannot even visit Canada (unless they have certain WHTI other documents instead: but a passport of required for air travel) and Mexico, two countries with a land border with the continental United States. This compares with around 80% of the UK population and similar rates in Europe. Sure, Europe is a smaller place and the countries close, so travel is easy, some say. The US is a huge country and it’s expensive to go elsewhere. Well, that doesn’t seem to bother Australians – probably one of the most isolated countries in the world – where close to 70% have passports. That’s almost twice as many as Americans.

But back to the Fox map – I copped a lot of criticism on Twitter by those defending Fox who said that this graphic was from 2009 and therefore had nothing to do with Egypt. Huh? Firstly, I never said the graphic was current – I merely posted it to demonstrate the ideas I’ve developed above, and I”m sure that the error went unnoticed by the vast majority of Fox viewers.

But irrespective of when the graphic was actually broadcast, no matter how the Fox apologists try to spin it – it doesn’t make it correct!